I Was Going To Commit Suicide, But . . .

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On Thursday, February 20, 2013, I received a letter I had to share with you.

At Transformation Church, God has generously blessed us with exponential growth.  Currently, we 5 have services at our Transformation Church 521 location and one service at Transformation Church Rock Hill location.

At our 521 location, even with a 5th service, we’re out of room.  So we launched our “Because Campaign” so we can build a new facility to reach and transform more people through the Gospel.  When I received the following letter, I was tired and not sure if we were going to raise the money needed to build our new facility to reach more people.

After receiving the letter below, I believe God will provide.

Dear Derwin,

I have been attending Transformation Church for 19 months.  The evening before I visited Transformation Church for the first time I spent the evening finalizing my suicide plans.  I was emotionally broke, I had nothing else.  A friend called late and asked would I visit Transformation Church with her and I agreed.  On the way there she expressed her need for hope, I did not say much.  I hoped to find closure.

I realized that no one in my life knew that I wanted to commit suicide.  Everyone in my life knew what had occurred, everyone asked often “How are you doing, can I do anything for you, do you need anything?”  My answer was always, “‘I’m fine, no complaints here.”  So many times I was told how strong I am, and to a degree I am, but some things no human can carry for long.

I have no memory of what you preached on that day, my friend left happy and very excited, I was numb.  I spent the afternoon sitting on the couch, hours went by and I do not remember any of it, but the next morning I woke up and realized my planned hour of departure had passed.  For me, that meant I had to plan everything over again.

The week flew by and once again it was Sunday morning.  My friend did not call about going to Transformation Church, but I went alone.  I sat in Auditorium C this time.  I cried the entire service and the remainder of the afternoon, but I did not know why.  I decided that night that I was too broken to be fixed and got busy writing some notes to my family.  Other than the shock that I was planning to commit suicide, I believed that I was leaving them in better shape.  I believed I was more valuable dead than alive.

It was time…. I was ready…  My phone rang, someone I loved had a need, I could help, the week flew by once again it was Sunday morning and I was at Transformation Church, again.

It has been 19 months now, every Sunday I’m at Transformation Church.  I realized at some point that although I had always believed in Jesus, I had never accepted that I was His Beloved.  I somehow believed that my problems were too small to bother him with, after all there are some really big problems; mine in comparison are nothing.  I finally realized that he wants me to share them all with Him; I do not have to carry any of it alone.

I got baptized at Transformation Church this year, I serve on a ministry team, I know 10 people that are coming to Transformation Church because I invited them, I tithe every week.

You have said, “Good Morning” to me several times, and we have bumped knuckles a few times, and you hugged me a few weeks ago and I smelled your “Vanilla.” But I’m sure you don’t know my name, I’m cool with that, you’re very busy and I don’t have the need to be known.

“He brings his lost children home,” this sermon was so comforting to me. Thanks….

One day while working on a ministry team I met a man from out of town.  He shared with me that he was a fan of yours when you played football.  He asked me, “Will I like his preaching?”  I told him that I believed that he would think you were a better preacher than you were a football player.  He looked at me like I grew a horn out of my forehead. After the service he found me… he said, “Young lady… when you made your prediction I thought, this girl has never watched a football game.  But I must admit you are right… As much as I enjoyed watching him play football, there is no doubt that he is doing what GOD wants him to be doing.”  I then shared with him that I had never seen you play football, but I could not imagine you doing anything better than preaching.

I just wanted to thank you.  You are such a blessing to so many.


Pastors, leaders, Christ-followers, your ministry matters.  Through Jesus, we are the hope of the world.

6 Responses to "I Was Going To Commit Suicide, But . . ."
  • Thomas McDaniels February 25, 2013

    Love your stuff Sir. As a pastor I also cherish these types of letters. I listened to 3 of your sermons this week. I also never saw you play football but can tell that you have a passion for life and others. Your church, your blogs and you Sir are making a difference and I love that about you!

    • DerwinLGray February 25, 2013

      Thank you Pastor for the kind words.

  • Brian Dodd February 27, 2013

    Pastor Derwin,

    An absolutely amazing post! I thought of two things as I read this. One, I am continually amazed at how God is transforming human life at Transformation Church. Second, I am humbled because you never know what the people right beside you are dealing with each week.

    It is true. You are a better pastor than you were a football player:-) You are an amazing man and Christ follower. To God be the glory!

    Rolling Out,

  • Brittany Griffin February 27, 2013

    Thank you for sharing this amazing testimony of what God is capable of doing through us! He is so good, and you are a blessing to everyone around you.

  • joe Z March 1, 2013

    Hello Pastor,

    Thank the Lord! An amazing story! You are a blessing to many.

  • [...] I Was Going To Commit Suicide But… by Derwin Gray.  The best blog I’ve read in a long, long time. [...]

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